Well at least there’s coffee in the morning…
This became my mantra in December 2017. It was a couple weeks post first surgery and I was just starting to feel well enough to stand up straight, but I wasn’t ready to push myself as hard as I wanted to. And when I did, I paid for it.
The worst part of that period of time was the fact that the thing I needed most was rest but trying to fall asleep was the most uncomfortable part of my day.
Anyone who has had a major surgery can attest to the lengths you will go to in order to figure out a comfortable sleep position. As a side sleeper I had to learn to sleep on my back but even that wouldn’t give any relief. I had every pillow imaginable to support me, but it was still so uncomfortable.
I’d lie there at night so tired but unable to sleep, running through a constant ebb and flow of feeling sorry for myself, feeling my life was over because everything I had planned was put on hold, and feeling guilty for feeling sorry for myself because my situation really wasn’t that bad…minus the pain. It was pure madness.
I finally came to the point where I needed to find something to look forward to in order to get me through the night.
In one of the stages of feeling guilty I finally told myself, “well, you know, at least there’s coffee in the morning, maybe just look forward to that.” And that’s where it began, my constant search for the small certainties in life to anchor me to hope in times of uncertainty.
It began with coffee because I’ve gone through a high stress environment where I wasn’t allowed to drink coffee (for my job) and I survived, so I knew coffee was a luxury that I now had available and appreciated.
Sometimes I would try to find other positives; they would usually just result in me being sad or anxious. But there was always coffee.
Over the past three years the mantra “well at least there’s coffee in the morning” has gotten me through difficult times. Being separated from my husband, early mornings or late nights at work, the loneliness of moving away from everyone I love, long drives in the early morning in order to get to an airport to see those people; there has always been coffee in the morning. Sometimes it’s delicious coffee and sometimes its crap, but its always there.
Every time I feel myself reacting with negative emotions to situations I can’t control, I always re-center with telling myself “well at least there’s coffee in the morning.” It grounds me to reality and reminds me to focus on the things I can control.
Even with this grounding, the inner existential drama queen (who actually may be on to something) starts in on the , “coffee wont always be here especially if we don’t take care of the planet as we should” argument. So, I silence that by restricting coffee to mornings, trying to buy fair-trade/organic, or completely ditching the coffee train and finding other small things I have that give me hope.
Because its not really about the coffee at all. It’s the fact that even in the midst of pain, uncertainty, or frustration there is still something I can find that gives me joy…
Well at least I can walk to work.
Well at least I live by the beach.
Well at least Mikey and I have the privilege to pursue our passions for a living.
But in the state of the world right now those things I have been using over the past year since moving have become things that make me anxious…
Well at least there’s coffee in the morning.
Perhaps coffee won’t always be one of life’s certainties in the future but I know I will have it tomorrow.
I challenge you to find one of life’s certainties, and when you start spiraling, remind yourself that at least there’s that one thing…let me know what you find.
Gratitude puts anxiety to sleep! Loved the post!